when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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