My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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