I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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