youre lurking in front of me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize