Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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