I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
