I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
