I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
