I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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