he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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