she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
