If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
