So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
