I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
