i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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