whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
