im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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