Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
