The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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