I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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