I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
