I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
