on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
