I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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