If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the day after is always just damage control
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
