new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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