Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
