i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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