I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
