I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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