So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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