Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
