When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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