it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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