The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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