I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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