I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
