My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
