I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i believe in u and ur pee
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
