Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
