I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize