This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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