Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
