got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
