I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
