Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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