I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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