My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
