i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
