Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
