I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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