Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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