just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
