I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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