The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
