i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
