Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize